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At the bottom of the sea is where I meet my monsters,
and I would fight my monsters.
And the more I fought, the bigger they got.
Everything that's inside of me that I'm fighting with,
whether it's somebody that said something horrible or a negative judgement of myself,
that's the monster.
The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality,
and it was vitality that seemed to seep away from me in that moment.
Everything there was to do seemed like too much work.
I tell myself еveryday I'm a failure,
I'm not worthy of love and happinеss.
I should just leave so everyone's lives would be easier.
It's a sensation of being afraid all the time,
but not even knowing what it is you're afraid of.
And it was at that point that I began to think that it was just too painful to be alive
I used to get anonymous messages from someone who would call me truly hurtful things,
and would try to convince me to kill myself.
For a while I tried to
You don't think in depression that you've put on a grey veil and are seeing the world in a haze of a bad mood.
You think that the veil has been taken away,
a veil of happiness,
and then now you're seeing truly
My thoughts leading up to cutting had been,
"You are truly shitty. You don't deserve to be here.
You deserve to have these marks on your body.
Everything that's happened in your past, that is all your fault.
Everything is your fault."
And then when I do cut,
then for about five to ten minutes I'm just sitting there and it is quiet in my brain
If I knew then what I know now, well, it probably wouldn't have changed very much.
And it probably wouldn't have changed very much because sometimes it doesn't matter what you know.
What you feel just takes over.
And there's so many ways like this,
that our perception becomes limited.
In fact, our perception is it's limits.
And these limits, they're created by our biology, by our psychology, by our society.
These are the factors which create that bubble which surrounds us,
that is our perceptual field, our world as we know it.
The only thing that I could think was,
"You're not good enough, you're not smart enough, you're not enough."
And it didn't matter if I was,
because these were the constricted limits of my perception.
So when I held that chef's knife in my hand,
and I raised it to my throat, and I pressed it there.
And I felt the blood begin to trickle down my hand.
The only thing I could think in that moment:
"Nobody would even know you're gone."
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