Come on you old pest
Fetch a bottle of your best
What's the nectar of the day
Here try this lot
Guaranteed to hit the spot
Or I'm not Thenardier
Give us a gl*** of rum
Landlord over here
Right away you scum
Right away Monsieur
God this place has gone to hell
So you tell me every year
Mine host Thenardier
He was there so they say
At the field of Waterloo
Got there it's true
When the fight was all through
But he knew just what to do
Crawling through the mud so I've heard it said
Picking through the pockets of the English dead
He made a tidy score from the spoils of war
My band of soaks my den of dissolute's
My dirty jokes my always pissed as newts
My sons of whores spend there lives in my inn
Homing pigeons homing in
They fly through my doors
And their money's good as yours
Ain't got a clue what he put into this stew
Must've scraped it off the street
God what a wine Chateauneuf du Terpentine
Must've pressed it with his feet
Landlord over here
Where's the bloody man
One more for the road
One more slug of gin
Just one more or my old man is gonna do me in
Welcome Monsieur sit yourself down
And meet the best innkeeper in town
As for the rest all of 'em crooks:
Rooking their guests and crooking the books
Seldom do you see
Honest men like me
A gent of good intent
Who's content to be
Master of the house doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Tells a saucy tale makes a little stir
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Glad to do a friend a favor
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price
Master of the house keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two
Watering the wine making up the weight
Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
Everybody loves a landlord
Everybody's bosom friend
I do whatever pleases
Jesus Won't I bleed 'em in the end
Master of the house quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a p***erby to p*** him by
Servant to the poor butler to the great
Comforter philosopher and lifelong mate
Everybody's boon companion
Everybody's chaperone
But lock up your valises
Jesus Won't I skin you to the bone
Enter Monsieur lay down your load
Unlace your boots rest from the road
This weighs a ton travel's a curse
But here we strive to lighten your purse
Here the goose is cooked
Here the fat is fried
But nothing's overlooked
Till I'm satisfied
Food beyond compare Food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages with this and that
Residents are more than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied
Reasonable charges
Plus some little extras on the side
Charge 'em for the lice extra for the mice
Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
Here a little slice there a little cut
Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
When it comes to fixing prices
There are a lot of tricks he knows
How it all increases all them bits and pieces
Jesus It's amazing how it grows
Master of the house quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a p***erby to p*** him by
Servant to the poor butler to the great
Comforter philosopher and lifelong mate
Everybody's boon companion
Gives 'em everything he's got
Dirty bunch of geezers
Jesus What a sorry little lot
I used to dream that I would meet a prince
But God Almighty have you seen what's happened since
Master of the house Isn't worth me spit
`Comforter philosopher' and lifelong ****
Cunning little brain regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house
Master of the house
Master and a half
Comforter philosopher
Ah don't make me laugh
Servant to the poor butler to the great
Hypocrite and toady and inebriate
Everybody bless the landlord
Everybody bless his spouse
Everybody raise a gl***
Raise it up the master's arse
Everybody raise a gl*** to the Master of the House