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We're here today with film star Natalie Portman.
Now, Natalie, the last time you were here,
I heard things got a little out of control.
Yeah, well, I was going through a really weird time then.
But... I've matured a lot.
Why don't you fill us in on what it's like to be you?
Okay, ya bish.
I'm sorry, what?
Yeah, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman
**** your husband and his best friend just for sport, man
Mess around and made this same song twice
Here's bosh now eat your condos, leave is right
You know it's clickbait, clickbait, clickbait
Put a d***o on a switchblade, switchblade, switchblade (Woo!)
Xannies dissolving in my Pinot
My man dance, but he's not a ballerino
Yeah, he twinkle his toes, but he give me good D, though
Wrap a good burrito
Tide Pods only ****in' thing I snack on
Black out and go mother****in' Black Swan
Ooh these dudes I slash 'em fix your past your boy
I come upside your head with my ****ing NASCAR boy
My Brain gone off that ****ing Ayahuasca, boy
Tell your tourist parents
I'ma turn you into a foster boy!
Wow, I gotta say it seems like
You're almost exactly the same,
But with current references.
Untrue. I'm a mother now.
It's really changed my perspective.
And do you find it difficult juggling kids and a career?
You can juggle these n**s.
What?
I don't dance now, I make mommy moves
When I gave birth, I didn't even push
I was blazed out, smoking bomb kush
And when my water broke, you know it drowned the doctor
They say I'm sex-positive
Hell yeah, I'm positive
That you're going down while I'm bumping "My Prerogative"
Tell me why
Ha, I guess I'm showing my age
Now bend over and spread them because you about to get ****ed
(Damn!)
Fascinating stuff. Now I have to ask, Natalie,
Have you seen the new Star Wars movies?
No
Oh, well they're really good! They're much better than...
Better than what?
****in' b***h
Say something 'bout the mother****ing prequels,
****! (They were good!)
Say something ****ing nice about Jar-Jar Binks (He's tall?)
Now kiss him right on his seventeen ****ing d**ks (What?)
While I sit dead on your face and take a ****in' b***h
Oh, Natalie... Yeah?
Please come meet your baby
He cries himself to sleep every night
That little ****in' b***h ain't mine!
Oh, Natalie... What?
It's been twelve long years
Shut the **** up!
And I'm seven days sober, I swear on his life!
You're a mess, Carl.
Okay, well, that's all the time we have.
Natalie, one last question—do you think those
"Time's Up" pins have had the impact that you were hoping for? AH!
How's that for impact?
Well, actually — oh, no.
No more questions.