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Hey,you guys,guess what.
Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce. -Oh,my God.
What is the matter with you?
No. Barry and Mindy.
Oh,sorry. I hear "divorce," I immediately go to Ross.
Who's Barry and Mindy?
Barry was the guy that I almost married, and Mindy was my best friend.
Wasn't he cheating on you with her?
But that just means he was falling asleep on top of her instead of me.
Can you imagine if I'd married him?
I mean,How different would my life be?
I know what you mean.I've always wondered how different my life would be...
if I'd never gotten divorced.
Which time?
The first time!
Seriously,imagine if Carol hadn't realized she was a lesbian.
I can't. I keep seeing it the good way.
I bet I'd still be doing my karate.
Towards the end of our marriage,
I was doing a lot of karate as a way of releasing the tension...
from not doing anything else physical.
Maybe the problem was you were pronouncing it "ka-ra-tay."
What if I was still fat?
You wouldn't be dating me, that's for sure.
Sure I would. -Come on.
You guys really think I'm that shallow?
No,I just think Monica was that fat.
Hey,imagine if I'd never got fired off Days of Our Lives.
Hey. Hey,there's Carol again.
What if I had had the guts to quit my job?
I'd probably be writing for The New Yorker, being paid to be funny.
But my job's fun too. I mean,tomorrow...
I don't have to wear a tie.
What if I'd taken that job at Merrill Lynch?
What? -Merrill Lynch?
Yeah,I had a massage client who worked there, and he said I had a knack for stocks.
Why didn't you take the job?
Because at that time,you see,I thought that everything that rhymed was true.
So I thought,you know,if I worked with stocks...
I'd have to live in a box and only eat lox and have a pet fox.
Do you guys think if all those things happened, we'd still hang out?
Oh,my God. Rachel Green?
Rob Tilman!
No, no, it's me. Ross.
Oh,I'm sorry. Ross Tilman.
No. No,no. Ross Geller.
Of course! Monica's brother.
Yeah. Right. -Wow! How are you?
Good. Good. I'm married.
Me too!
Isn't it the best?
Oh,it's the best.
So how's Monica? -
Really,really great.
Actually,she's right down the street.
You know what,you should stop by and say hi.
I would love to.
She'd be so excited.
Okay. -Come on.
Wait,don't you have to pay for your...
Busty Ladies?
No,that's okay. Some kid asked me to pick it up for him, but I....
So,Monica. Still going out with Dr. Boring,huh?
He's not boring. He's just...
He's just low-key.
Here you go, one hazelnut latte.
Thank you.
You know, the hazelnut, actually not a nut.
It's a seed.
Wow.
Can anyone else name a well-known seed that's been masquerading as a nut?
Oh,dear God. Let me think.
What's the matter?
I got another rejection letter.
They said my writing was funny, just not "Archie Comic" funny.
You know what,honey,I gotta get back to the hospital.
Bye.
By the way, the answer is: the Brazil nut.
Was his question, "What's more boring than him?"
Hey,man. Sorry about the Archie thing.
You need me to give you some money?
I may have no money, but I still have my pride.
Really?
Maybe Joey doesn't have to give you the money.
TV stars have assistants,right?
That's an idea.
Hey,if I hire an assistant, would you take money from her?
No,Joey. Chandler could be your assistant.
He could answer all your fan mail and stuff.
That's great,That would be great! Let's do that!
I could use the money.
You can give me time to write.
Alright,great,welcome aboard!-Okay!
All right. Now,I need to use the bathroom.
Since I don't need any assistance in there,take a break!
All right.
Hey. -Hey,Phoebe.
Guess what. Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant.
That's so sweet.
Oh! Hang on!HANG ON!
Go!
No. No,no. I said sell when it hits 50!
Five-oh! It's a number! It comes after four-nine!
No,it's okay. It's okay. You're allowed one mistake.
Just kidding. You are,of course,fired.
Hey,Mon? Mon,look who I ran into!
Oh,my God,Rachel!
God,you look terrific!
So do you!
Did you lose weight?
You are so sweet to notice.
Yes,I lost 3.5 pounds!
You remember my friend Chandler.
And that's Phoebe over there. -Hi.
Sit down. How long has it been since we've seen each other?
1987,the day after Christmas. Sean McMahan's party.
I played you one of my songs,you know, "lnterplanetary Courtship Ritual."
Oh,yeah. Right.
So,now,do you still do music?
Well,sometimes.
You should come over sometime. I'll play you.. -Oh,my God!
Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives just walked in here!
Rach,he's a friend of ours.
You're friends with Dr. Drake Ramoray?
It's kinda hard to be friends with Drake...
because of his busy schedule and the fact that he's not real.
Hey,or I could bring my keyboard here sometime.
He's coming over. -Joey?
I know. Here,here.
No. This is my friend Rachel. We went to high school together.
Hiiii. -Hi.
I love you on that show.
I watch you every day.
I mean,when you took out your own kidney to save your ex-wife...
even though she tried to kill you...
It's always nice to meet fans.
She's not crazy,is she? -No.
So.huh.. how you doing~
Hang on.
Hang on. Hang on.
Go!
Who's this?
Oh,okay,you're gonna like working for me.
What's your name? What kind of name is "Brindy"?
I...uh...whatev...Stop talking.
All right, from now on your name is Joan.
You can pick your own last name.
There you are.
Uh-oh,it's my boss.
Here's a list of things for you to do today.
This is gonna be so great. Thank you so much.
I gotta go to work. I'm delivering twins today, but only one of them is mine.
"Drop off my dry cleaning. Pick up my vitamins."
"Teach me how to spell vitamins."
"Wear in my new jeans."
You realize what you are,don't you?
What?
You're his *****!
No,no! No!!
Wait! You didn't sit on my Kit Kats did you?
No,there was a little, little dip in the market...
and I lost 13 million dollars.
But the Kit Kats are all right?
What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?!I can't call my office, they'll kill me.
I can't call my clients, they'll kill themselves!
Great,now my chest hurts.
What?
My chest hurts.
Aw..And now I...Ican't breathe.
Phoebe.are you having a heart attack?
Well,if I were, would I have shooting pains up and down my left arm?
Yes.
Then,yes. That is what I'm having.
Oh,my God!
Come on,Pheebs, it's not that bad.
You know,most people would be excited if they didn't work for a couple weeks.
Most people don't like their jobs. I love my job.
I've been not working for three hours, and I'm already going crazy.
I miss Joan.
Honey, having a heart attack is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
I always thought having a heart attack was nature's way of telling you to die.
But you're not gonna die.
I mean,you are going to die, but you're not gonna die today.
I wish I was dead.
Let's take a walk.
Maybe you should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine.
So what's going on with you?
Well,I've been doing a lot more of my karate.
Still going with the dry spell with Carol? -Yeah.
How long has it been since you've had ***?
Well,last weekend...
Oh,that's not so bad.
will be two months...
since I stopped trying.
Maybe you need to spice things up a little.
What do you mean? -I don't know.
You could tie her up.She could tie you up. You could eat stuff off each other.
You know,dirty talk, menage a trois, toys.-Wow.
Role-playing. You could be the warden, she could be the prisoner.
You could be the pirate, she could be the wench.
Okay,I think I got it.
Or you could be two stockbrokers, and you're rolling naked on the trading floor...
and everybody's watching.
It never happened.
Alright and over there is Brady's Pub...
where I like to unwind after a long day of "surgeoning."
Wow.This is so amazing. What else?What else?
Well,that is a large piece of television equipment.
And that is an old man.
Hey,old man! -Hey.
Alrighty. What do you say we head back to my place?
Wow,uh...You know,I would really love to, but I shouldn't.
Why? Why can't the world stop turning...
just for a moment, just for us?
Isn't that a line from the show?
Yeah,but...
I may have said those things before, but...
I never truly meant them until now.
That's a line from the show too!
Okay,you watch too much TV.
Yo,Joe,Here's the freshly squeezed orange juice you asked for.
Thanks.
There's pulp in that.
Yeah?
I thought we talked about this. I don't like pulp.
No pulp. Pulp isn't juice. All juice.okay?
I'm sorry. I guess I just like the pulp.
Oh my god,I'm sorry. I am being so rude.
Rachel,would you like a soda or something?
Because Chandler will run right out and get it.
Yeah, well, sure, iced tea would be great.
Iced tea.
Okay. Anything for you,sir?
Did I not just tell him?
Okay, look, Chandler, if this is gonna work...
You have got to LISTEN.
You're gonna throw that juice at me, aren't you?
It's not all juice.
So,honey,this morning was fun,huh?
Me hopping in on you in the shower there?
Yeah, maybe someday we could get a place with two bathrooms.
Look,Carol,I was thinking maybe...
Maybe we can spice things up a little.
What do you mean? -Carol,our *** life. It's just not..
Dad! -Hey there,little fella!
Why don't we get some shoes on you,huh?
Why don't you show Dad how you can put your shoes on in your room.
Seriously,our *** life.
I was thinking maybe,I don't know...
we could try some new things,you know,for fun.
Like what? -Well,I don't know.
What if we were to...
tie each other up?
Some people eat stuff off one another.
Yeah.
You know,we...we could try dirty talk.
We could have a threesome. -I love that idea!
Who sold a story to Archie Comics?
Oh, my God, that's so great.
You're a published writer. I wish I had a present for you.
Wait a minute.
My last Kit Kat bar.
You want to share it? -Okay!
Hey -Hey
Hey,Chandler,look,I know you're mad.
But I just wannna say I'm sorry.I was a total jerk. Completely all over the line.
I just... I hate pulp,you know.
You know how Monica feels about low-fat mayonnaise?
It's not mayonnaise!
Okay,uhuh..Anyway,I just wanted to say I'm sorry,and here.
What's this? -Fresh-squeezed orange juice,with pulp.
Just the way you like it.
Thanks,man.
Hey,Joey.
Chandler sold a story to Archie Comics.
Oh my god,That's great! Congratulations! What's the story?
You wouldn't care. It's just a stupid comic book story.
Are you kidding me? I love Archie and the whole gang.
Well,Archie needs money to fix his jalopy.
But he doesn't want Reggie to just give him the money.
So Reggie hires him as his assist..
As his butler.
And then makes him do crazy things...
Like bring him milk shakes that can't have lumps in them.
Wait a minute. That sounds a little familiar.
Did they already do that one? Cause I think I read it!
Monica,listen. I have to ask.
Okay,Joey Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment.
Does he do this with a lot of girls? -Yeah,a lot. A lot,a lot.
And I'm one of them.
I just cannot believe this. I mean,Joey Tribbiani.
It's none of my business, but aren't you married?
Yeah.
I wish we could just not be married for a little bit.
You know,I just wish we could be, like,on a break.
Well,you're not.
It's easy for you. You're not married. You can have *** with whoever you want.
Yeah,I can.
Don't think I don't. I do.
I mean,all the time. You betcha!
Monica?
You...you've done it,right?
Of course I have. What do you think, I'm,like,some 30-year-old virgin?
Oh,my God. You're a 30-year-old virgin.
Say it louder. The guy in the back didn't hear you.
Yeah,I heard it.
It's not like I haven't any oppotunities,I mean,you know,I'm just waitting for the perfect guy.
I'm seeing this guy Roger,all right?He's not perfect,but umm,I think maybe I should just get it over with. Y’know, give him my flower.
Oh my God!! Do it!! Honey, you’ve waited long enough!!
Y’know what? You are right?!
Yes!! I mean sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldn’t be all this rules and restrictions! Y’know, people should be able to sleep with who ever they want, whenever…
Rachel! I’m never gonna think it’s okay for you to cheat on your husband!
Oh what do you know? Virgin!
Phoebe, why is smoke coming out of the bathroom?!
Oh yeah, the doctor said that could be one of the side effects.
Phoebe! Put that cigarette out!
No! It’s not a cigarette! The smoke is coming out of me!
Put it out!!
Okay! Okay! I’m so glad you’re here.
Come on. I got it
Oh, give it to me.
I got it!
Give it!
(He does a kara-tay move to silence her, then answers the phone.)
Hello? No she can’t come to the phone right now. Oh, right no problem. Okay, bye-bye.
Was it my work? Were they mad? Was it Jack? Did he yell?!
J-j-just relax, nobody yelled. Jack just was calling to make sure that you were getting better.
Thank God.
(To Monica) Yeah, she’s fired.
You’ve done all you can Dr. Wesley. You have got to let her go.
Good-bye and God speed, Hope Brady.
Not so fast Wesley!
Remoray!
That’s right Wesley! I just stopped by to say that, you’re not a real doctor! And that woman’s brain, is fine!
Oh! Thank God!
Hope! Hope!
Drake!
You’re not dying Hope, you’re gonna live a long, healthy life. With me.
Oh Drake.
[Drake and Hope kiss.]
Rachel: Okay! Here we go! Okay!
Hi, Joey! It’s Rachel! Umm, I am free tomorrow night.
Yeah, sure, sure I can bring some sandwiches.
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