Baltimore

Written by：Doug Petty

When my mother told me

Don't forget your rain boots when it's wet

I listened up just like a good good little girl

And when she prudently suggested I should lose the cigarette

I knew that bit of wisdom was a pearl

But in all of the advice

That I collected through the years

I admit to you with trepidatious dread

Unfortunately there was some that whizzed right through my ears

Ah where

Where was my mind when mother said

Avoid navel contemplating floppy haired actors

Originally from Baltimore

Who excel at mime still placed vertigo

And have issues with their mom

Sure at first they're very charming

Their attention is disarming

But give attention in return

And dear they'll drop you like a bomb

Yes do avoid

REO speedwagon loving Christopher Walken imitating thespians

Originally from Baltimore

Who can't piss unless their shrink says it's ok

Why let them break your heart dear

Put your head on and be smart dear

Put some bug spray on and make them go away

When my daddy told me look both ways

Before you 'cross the street

I took his words to heart and I complied

And when he told me be yourself

I should march to my own beat

I did

And found that truth was bonafide

But in all of the advice

That I collected through the years

I have to say I am a bit surprised

I missed the best advice that daddy trumpeted my way

Ah where

Where was my mind when he advised

Avoid narcissistic alcoholic think they're french but they're not

Waiters originally from Baltimore

Who deflower you carry a copy a fountainhead in their pocket

And lie about their age

Sure at first their eyes are steely

And their words are touchy feely

Have them cheat upon you twice

And my advice is more than sage

Yes do steer clear

Of renaissance festival loving food service consultants

Originally from Baltimore

Who say they dance with NYC ballet

But are really an administrative intern

For it's clear upon reflection

If you give him your affection

You will understand the concept crash and burn

The singles world out there can be a scary land

I have to ask is it me

Or is it Maryland

So if you can possibly avoid it

Don't fall in love or lust or have crushes

On boys from Baltimore

Though at first they seem chuck full of style and class

Sure Cal Ripken's charm is actual

But he's married and it's factual

Pamlico is not the only place you'll find a horse's a**

Yes at all costs

Avoid ridiculous though amusing experiences

Cultivated in Baltimore

Barry Levinson I mean no disrespect

If you have to go to Baltimore

And meet boys do not marry 'em

Although it's true I hear that they've got quite a nice aquarium

Ladies take your hearts

And run as fast as little legs can carry 'em

From Baltimore

There are better boys in Boise

Boys in Boise always call

You'll have better luck in Josie

Or St Paul well not St Paul

But no matter where life takes you

It just makes no sense to fall

In Baltimore

Hey where are you from

Silver spring oh